promoting positive change: dear woman
Dear Woman. It sounds like the beginning of a letter, and of course, it could be. Dear woman, I see you. I see you working full-time and homeschooling your kids in the middle of a pandemic. Dear woman, how are you? Has anyone asked you that lately? I hope you’re taking some time for yourself. Dear woman, haha! What time for yourself? A shower doesn’t count as self-care, but it will be judged as such. Dear woman, what can we do to help each other?
I am 100% not formal enough to start a text or email to my friends and family with “dear ANYTHING,” and I definitely use their names and not their gender to greet them, but I hope when they hear from me, they know that they are dear to me and that I am SO proud of them as women.
Aside from a formal salutation or warm greeting, Dear Woman is also an acronym I have come to rely on hugely. So really, it’s DEAR WOMAN. And you don’t want to start a letter that way, because people will think you’re screaming at them.
DEAR WOMAN is a skill/strategy taught in Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT). I swear this is the last acronym I will throw at you, but DBT is legit. Developed by Marsha M. Linehan in the 1970s, it’s a type of therapy that helps identify and change negative thinking patterns, in turn promoting positive behavioral changes. In general, DBT consists of individual therapy, group therapy, and ongoing skills practice. I benefited immensely from DBT when I was hospitalized for postpartum depression and anxiety. I was admitted to a two-week program, and that’s where I learned DEAR WOMAN.
This tool isn’t just for women who are suffering from depression or anxiety. At its core, it’s an interpersonal effectiveness tool that every woman (and man, too, but enough about them!) can use to communicate effectively in all of their relationships - marriage, friendships, at work, or even with a stranger giving you a hard time about not pulling into a spot fast enough outside of Dunkin’ Donuts. (People are tense lately. I forgive her.) Here’s how it works:
The first part is about active communication with someone.
D = Describe what is wanted (what is your intention for the conversation, or what do you want the result to be? Do you need your partner to pitch in with the kids while you sit down for a minute? Do you need your boss to recognize that you’re overworked?)
E = Encourage others to help (Be clear. “You can help me by changing this diaper.” “You can help me by reassigning this project.”)
A = Ask for what is wanted (“I want to take a break from the kids right now.” “I want to be able to focus on a single project.”)
R = Reinforce others (Positive feedback is critical! “Thanks, honey! It is so helpful when you change the diaper without me asking.” “Thanks, Boss! It was helpful when you gave Jane that project, so I could get my original projects done on time.”)
The second part is about looking inward and focusing on your behavior.
W = Willingness to tolerate not always getting what you want. (This one is hard because, hello, we want what we want. But as the Rolling Stones say…)
O = Observe what is going on inside and around me (Is this situation more stressful than usual? How am I feeling right now? Angry? Sad? Frustrated?)
M = Mindfully present in the current moment (It’s easy to remember back to other situations where you felt this way and pile those feelings onto the current situation. Try not to do that. Right here. Right now. What do you need?)
A = Appear confident (This one seems like a no-brainer, but it is HARD. You want to seem like you can do it all without help. NEWS FLASH - you can’t, and you don’t have to. No one is handing out cookies, girl.)
N = Negotiate with others (Be prepared to defend your needs, and meet somewhere in the middle if necessary. “I’ll change this diaper, but then I am going upstairs to rest.” “I will finish these two projects but won’t take on a third until they are both complete.”
I know this is a lot to digest. If you’re struggling emotionally or feeling like you aren’t getting what you need, it’s hard to keep everything on the DEAR WOMAN list top of mind. The good news is, you don’t have to. You don’t need to use every single skill in every single conversation.
If you’re feeling overwhelmed at home, for example, you can simply take a deep breath (highly recommended at all times, actually) and say to your partner, “I need a break. Please hang out with the kids while I go rest.” Hopefully, that’s enough. If not, move on to the other skills on the list. At work, things like appearing confident and being able to tolerate not getting your way are likely more important.
If you are anything like me, or literally any of the women I’ve talked to ever, life gets overwhelming. Things are especially hard right now. The expectations placed on women are higher than ever, and that’s why it’s more important than ever to be able to communicate your needs effectively. If you want to learn more about DBT, this is a great article. And I would be remiss if I did not say that if you or a loved one is struggling with a mental health disorder, please seek professional help. If you don’t know where to start, visit https://www.samhsa.gov/find-help/national-helpline.
Dear woman,
I hope this tool helps.
With love,
Madison
MEET THE AUTHOR
Madison powers
Madison is a freelance writer and content creator for multiple outlets, including POPSUGAR, Whiteboard Marketing, and 95 Creative. She also works part-time at a private school outside of Boston, where she is responsible for the full scope of marketing and communications initiatives. Her favorite things to write about are motherhood and women's mental health, because she's a mom who deals with mental health issues. Go figure! When she isn't writing articles or creating social media content for clients, Madison loves hanging out with her family and switching between HGTV shows and true crime documentaries. Samples of her work can be found at madisonpowers.contently.com and she can be reached at maddiepowwrites@gmail.com.